I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
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When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn鈥檛. A rancher had filed a report about missing
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
I鈥檓 from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
*buys box of donut holes*
I won鈥檛 eat anything that casts a shadow
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
time for some seasonal decor
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
When I鈥檓 eating shared nachos I鈥檓 always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bubl茅 version of Monster Mash.
I鈥檓 your girl in the apocalypse till there鈥檚 something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
I waitress because if I don鈥檛 get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don鈥檛 feel like I have put in an honest days work.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we鈥檙e just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.