Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.