Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
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I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear