I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.