Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
What kind of a cult is this?
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
Them: Just act casual
Me:
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again