Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
how many bears make up a bear minimum
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed