My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
When a shoelace touches your ankle
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
The glory of fall.