If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.