People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?