Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.