
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth