@petemandik

i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone

@petemandik

My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.

@petemandik

I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.

@petemandik

[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?

@petemandik

If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.

@petemandik

[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.

@petemandik

In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.

@petemandik

Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.

@petemandik

I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.

@petemandik

ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth