me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
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I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.