I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
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Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
Me irl
You are what you delete.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?