@primawesome

All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.

@primawesome

*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…

@primawesome

Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.

@primawesome

I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.

@primawesome

I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.

@primawesome

Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.

@primawesome

This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.

@primawesome

A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?

@primawesome

Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.

@primawesome

Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.