Peter Parker Peter Driver
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t