Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*