i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
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A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click