*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
You Might Also Like
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?