SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that