me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
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me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings