“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.