@ramblinma

“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”

— kids, pets, spouses

@ramblinma

Him: You okay?

Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?

@ramblinma

Me: I try not to make snap judgments.

Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.

@ramblinma

No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.

@ramblinma

I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.

@ramblinma

Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—

Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*

@ramblinma

*stops abruptly at red light*

*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*

@ramblinma

Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”

Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”

@ramblinma

*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*

*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*

@ramblinma

I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.