@schumoo

There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes

@schumoo

My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.

@schumoo

When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.

Meet my wife, the dream killer.

@schumoo

Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.

@schumoo

Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.

Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.

@schumoo

“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.