ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*