As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
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Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
I’d use my best pan on you.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
So sick of all these stupid rules
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?