If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
Me: we’re in China
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.