*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing