Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
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I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper