Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
I’m definitely a ten
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.