[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
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My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.