Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now