Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
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The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie