I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
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“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.