People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.