@toomanycommas3

I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.

@toomanycommas3

If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.

Bread is a hell of a drug.

@toomanycommas3

No one:

My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.