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My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
Feels
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?