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If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here