True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
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“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again