I am having an out of money experience.
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Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
My god she’s good.
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.