DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
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[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.