I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
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New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
two people or more is called a problem
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
Sunday
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.