What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
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Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Have kids, they said
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
Spa day..😅
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.