If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
You Might Also Like
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!