*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
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89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.