Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
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Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
is this how new cars are made??
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]