Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
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Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain