If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
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Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first