“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
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carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry