The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
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I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.