normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
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WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.