[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
You Might Also Like
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
“I’m helping” 😅
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh