*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
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Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that