God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
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some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.